Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣

*first day in prison orientation*

Warden: Are there any questions?

Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?

Warden: …

Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!

if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.

ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee

BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*

Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*

Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?

My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.

Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.

Me: pretty much any name can be unisex

My son Stephanie: I hate you dad

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.

Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.

Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s

Him: SENTENCES

Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.

Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

Rapunzel: … Why tho

Witch: I wanna climb the tower

Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here

Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you

Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link

Son: Thanks for the dating advice

Her: HE gave you dating advice?

Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women

Her: Name one

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: Well?

Me: Give me a minute

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes