I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
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Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people