Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!

Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.

Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!

Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…

I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.

Me: How much for the round lizard

Grocer: That’s a lime

Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis

Fries, not lies.

I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.

Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything

you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.

I should probably buy him something soon.

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.

Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.

Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos

Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.