Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.

Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.

It means I’m a parent.

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating

“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator

Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

😆

I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭

I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.

Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?

Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?

Me: Probably not.

Friend: PROBABLY?

Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.

It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.

👀

[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.

Uber Driver: Same, Girl.

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.

Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone