I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
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Me, reading some of your tweets
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I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Perfect
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I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’