Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!

CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how

Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.

Friend: Flyers for what?

Me: Some club called VIOLATION.

Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.

THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?

THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?

THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.

Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.

Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.

(later, shaving)

Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?

Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.

7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

Anyone: what’s your favorite color?

Me: cheese

ME, 10: I want a big mansion

ME, 20: I want a cool apartment

ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin

Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked

my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you

7yo: What are these?

Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.

7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time