Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.

The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.

dogs can find happiness so easily

I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.

Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.

Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.

3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.

Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?

A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.

Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.

Lesson: Do not ask me for advice

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.

Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’

I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.

(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for

Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”

In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball

poor people rarely die from ski related injuries

When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

I feel this so hard

Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.

When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can

me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.

So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.