Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka

Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”

Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there

If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving

“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly

“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

me trying to get a bartender’s attention

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

*walks into a dollar store*

excuse me, where would I find the dollars?

I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?

Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house

Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.

me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email

My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

Alexa: *deep breath*

Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*

If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.