I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
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son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Does it…does it take 3 days
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
🤣🤣🤣
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you