I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
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Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
My patience has stretch marks.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity