Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.

Breaking news:

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.

“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”

– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

I’m giving up for Lent.

It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out

*swipes right by accident*

Him: You’re not really my type.

Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.

Kill it with fire!

*douses it in hot sauce*

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

Hub: When was your first kiss

Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks

Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent

Me: I hate you

Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle

Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.