Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m terrible with names…

…just ask my daughter Barry

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.

ME: Hey, what are you building?

PAL: A new kitchen counter

ME: That seems…

PAL: Please don’t

ME: …counterproductive

Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.

My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”

Aw man, but that’s the best part

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me

Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?

W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?

Me: *laughing* Yep

W: OMG noooo

Them: You have a weird sense of style

Me: *takes off glasses* Rude

Them: But true

Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

“I don’t do politics.”

Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

This checks out

IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

“How much to hire a church singing group?”

“You mean a choir?”

“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”

Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.

the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

(doing standup routine)

Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!

Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!