Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: No.

My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.

Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.

Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.

Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO

Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do

If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

❄️

Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.

Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw

It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.

Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!

I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.

Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks

I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese