I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
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Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!