Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears

[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”

So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.

People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.

[Satanic ritual]

Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this

Me: the sacrifice

Leader: they’re cupcakes

Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge

Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.

Corona : Got it.

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.

We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

[the first ever boomerang]

HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t

Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?

Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions

I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip

Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time

Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.