Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.

I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”

Perfect

“Follow me!”

Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!

(Me at an exercise class)

At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*

[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.

Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.

13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.

Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.

Her: You need to stop playing video games.

Me: Why?

Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!

Me:

I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

The cheapest way to fly is off the handle

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?