Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805

going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

Me, at front door: I’m going running

Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?

Me: It’s me!

Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP

My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.

A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.

bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

My mother: What color do you look good in?

Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”

sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks