i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
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I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Ron is short for Aaronald
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I basically called this earlier today
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Planning a wild goose chase if anyone wants anything
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs