Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings

Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter

[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

My teenage children choosing violence

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)

I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.

#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…

I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch

Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.

Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?

Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.

god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza 🙂

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza 😀

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

*fills out form*

*clicks “send me a copy”*

email: *dings*

me: ooh what’s that

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person

16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come

COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.

*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower

Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.