I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
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Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Me: We shouldn’t give in to the commercialism of Christmas. In fact, we should celebrate it this year without giving each other gifts.
Husband: You missed the window for something to arrive by Christmas Eve, didn’t you?
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Suuuuure
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?