Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?

Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.

Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.

Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen

My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security

It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.

Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.

Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.

Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*

Optional boss fight.

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.

Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word

Me: Hired

Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL

Executioners flirting:

You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.