I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
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Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.