I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
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Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
And that about sums it up.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog