I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
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ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon