I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
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Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.