Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.

Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”

Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.

I think he’s my soulmate.

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

Me: Try this chocolate chip.

3 year-old: Okay!

[gives him coffee bean]

3: UGH, YUCK!

-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

“why is millennial humor so weird?”

it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.

Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.

[Pet store]

Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”

Me: “You can’t prove that.”

*My purse starts barking*

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”

ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”

*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]

I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.