I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
You Might Also Like
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
oh you like nyc? name every rat
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
how to exercise your calf muscles
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back