I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
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wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
finally
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”