Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?

Me: That depends

Her: On?

Me: Which chin you’re going by.

Dog: You’re back!

Me: Yes

Dog: I missed you so much!

Me: Aww, that’s sweet

Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness

Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute

Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!

hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life

one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun

Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.

Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.

I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color

Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber

More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.

boss: david, you’re fired

me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.

Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.

one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin

Bear Family: what’s our cover?

KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper

My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics

And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES