Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number

Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.

My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”

Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.

Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.

It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.

You have to keep it to a low ha.

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes

Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.

I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.

Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me

I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub

I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway

God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.

*my husband

Child: [eating cereal]

Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.

Child: Thank you.

Me [taking a step]: *crunch*

Child:

Me: There it is.

Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.

*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*

HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!

Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.

I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

Me: HALLOWEEN!!!

Ween: Hallo!

Before I had sons, I assumed all little boys were Kevin McCallister. Then my older boy was born and he turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. Joy of joy! I went ahead and had another boy and got Kevin McCallister.

Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.