I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
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One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho