Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂

“don’t worry about a thing”

“why”

“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”

“what about all the big things”

“ooh forgot about big things”

Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

theres been a horrible success at the accident factory

In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit

*installs google translate*

*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*

*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

*steals all the clocks*

*has all the time in the world*

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi

the hottest people have the worst stomach problems

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.