“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
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boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.