Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me

lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to

Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.

No wonder we all hate him.

Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.

Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.

My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.

SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*

NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!

SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there

Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.

We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment

I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me

you wanna pause your show on peacock? you’re starting the episode over. you wanna skip ahead? you’re starting the episode over. you want closed captions? you’re watching below deck.

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.