I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
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When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
😾
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this