I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
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At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.