Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

My god she’s good.

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

[arguing with friend about chemistry]

*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?

Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.

It’s Monday, but at what cost?

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables

Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.

Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

When did white people become such fucking pussies?

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*

Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent

Daddy, where do bananas come from?

Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…

there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.