I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
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Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Me: did you find the problem?
Plumber: toilet goblin.
Me: a what?
Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.