I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
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People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
5 ways to appear taller
Sorry I speak my mind.
It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
when revenge coincides with naptime
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
