Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call

–companies

The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.

It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.

Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.

Nerys is a dachshund.

Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.

Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.

To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.

“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”

Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”

Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun

Spell check is for lasers.

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.

Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.