I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
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Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.