Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.

Because communication is key.

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.

GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan

the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat

LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!

ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.

His new catchphrase?

“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”

If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?

#SaturdayBears

How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

Möther may I have a snäck

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.

ME: A John Dough

HER: Get out!