I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
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Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh