I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
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The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I’m sorry…what?
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Velcrow
pizza
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar