Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him

Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them

Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?

Me: Um no, just holding hands

Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets

The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!

those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick

Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”

CDC ”Stop right there!!”

“I’d like to speak with a manager”

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner

telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back

“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years

My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.

If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?

ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process

Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.

Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler

ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.