I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
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As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.