Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

“I’ll drink to that.”

-me to my next drink

My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend

[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]

Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.

-Bowser K.

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.

Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*

Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*

Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*

Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.

Also kids: ALREADY?!?

Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.

Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.

… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE

WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.

[later at the dinner party]

ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?

When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.

If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars