I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
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Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
There are usually two types of merchants.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
felt that
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.