I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
You Might Also Like
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Why soy sad?
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples