I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
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I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Stop sending me this shit.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)