Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!

– Nuns N’ Moses

(I’m so sorry)

Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…

I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.

If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

my New Year’s Eve plans:

– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed

I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..

Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’

Me: ‘That’s not right.’

Nav: ‘No shit.’

[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.

Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.

Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.

And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.

“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average

I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.

I kept not finding it. She got angrier.

I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”

Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”

😑

I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf