“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
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Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Me: please wait a little longer
Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!
She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano