“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
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MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.
is nasa ok
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.