“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
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Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat