i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
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Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!