Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*My kids are fighting*

9yo: You’re acting like a baby !

6yo: And you’re acting like dad !

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them

You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.

you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…

me: fork.

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.

My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.

Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

The asteroid..

My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.

[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni

she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]