I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
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I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
You learn something every day
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
They’re called werewolves.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant