Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?

Stooooppp!!! 😂😂

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.

KFC hitting the cannibal market

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?

Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19

“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*

me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head

Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN

I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…

My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.

When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.