Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

Speak now or ever hold your peace

Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?

Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket

*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*

Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security

Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

Me in tagged photos

Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.

Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth

Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth

Bishop: no

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis

You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.

[introducing a girl to my parents]

“These are the roommates I was telling you about”

shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

[christmas break with my extended family]

*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!

Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?