Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.

Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.

shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo

ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*

BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

girls literally only want one thing..

If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M

Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.

You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”

Note to self: I am a note

Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad

what’s the point then??

Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…

I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.

If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?

My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.

Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.