Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*tucks napkin into my shirt*

This meal could get messy.

“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.

Who did this…? 💫⚡️

Her: Penny for your thoughts?

Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?

Her:

Me:

Her: Can I have my money back please?!

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.

Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

my brain: i hate that person

that person: hey that thing you wrote was great

my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]

ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!

MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!

ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?

Interview Tip #3

speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself

[later]

Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?

Me: *confidently* nothing

I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.

Cop: Stand on one leg

Me: *does it*

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards

Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything

Me: *starts sweating*

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!