Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

roses are red
i fall when i skate

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.

My tinder profile says I’m looking for an

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.

The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.

“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot

Riddler:

Batman: you absolute fool

Tell us a scary story!

Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil

*puts wedding tape in VCR

Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician

Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️

Wife: hey you shocked me!

Me: oh no! I am so sorry.

Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.

Me: [under breath] pika pika.

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

We told you to stop at 2012

– the mayans

Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude

What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?

I’m that

People with pretty privilege?

You mean the gourgeoisie???

got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)

Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player

Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married

Interviewer: and you?

Me: distracted her husband with an interview

Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs