I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
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I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.