Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board

Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B

Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?

ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*

FRIEND: Is that… pudding?

Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.

Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.

If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”

My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin

Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”

Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️

New Tinder profile.

*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.