Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?

(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!

[at the auto parts store]

Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler

Counter Guy: What size engine

Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket

One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.

Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?

No mate, a landline 🙄

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

A fake ID that makes you younger

what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”

The Lord: “You still have that?”

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.

My work here is don’t.

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…

*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks

Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

s
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Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!

Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.

I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER

Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

Word find for ghosts:

O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o