I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
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the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.