Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth

baby birds: yay! dinner time

when someone tells me love is in the air 😷

Kids: *misbehaving in public*

Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.

I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now

Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?

-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”

Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..

“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans

“Deal.” — Mother Nature

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* endorphins

Me: No, just whales

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

why he move like a hotel transylvania character

Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

Customer: where might I find chicken livers?

Me: on the inside

Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.

Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.

So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

me: hey how much for the dinosaur

guide: that’s a giraffe

me: how much

guide: the animals aren’t for sale

me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much

guide: those are trees

me: [sighs] how much

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”

It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease

professor x: tell me more, tell me more

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.