Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.

Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.

Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡

Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!

The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.

No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.

Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.

It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.

Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!

Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!

ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️

I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles

Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?

Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.

Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.

overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”