I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
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The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Shower sex be like:
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich