Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*

kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.

im 7 sauces long

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.

I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.

“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly

“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100

Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.

[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.

Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

“you are what you eat”

i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok

Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.

Me: Same.

mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday

Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!

I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision

Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.

Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.