Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

me: dating is hard

me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.

I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.

No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.

Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?

damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

Believe me, I looked.

But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”

men what’s stopping you from looking like this

INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?

You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”

When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!

I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.

(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active