Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

Enter password:

“ScoobyDoo”

sorry password must contain a special character

ScoobydooFeaturingBatman

Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”

Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).

If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.

Van Gone

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise

Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?

Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what

Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.

Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

*immediately after a hysterectomy*

ok weigh me now.

The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”

airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.