Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.

CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.

I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up

Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”

Me: “Free.”

Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”

Me: “Thanks!”

*drives away quickly*

[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control

“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*

DAMMIT NOT AGAIN

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?

ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.

Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again

The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?

A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.