I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
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Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Ovenable?
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*