I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
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“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl