I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
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I hope this email punches you square in the face
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample