I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
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I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
who named him groot and not spruce lee
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
yes… yes…
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My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”