Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.

Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene

Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.

We’re not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

I’m a self-made hundredaire

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

🥲

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

Stop

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.

One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.

[Breakfast]

My Wife: What are you doing?

Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.

Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

Oh. My. God.

Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family

Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?

Her: awww. Like the day we met?

Him: No, before that.

*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?