I know karate and tons of other words.
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My boss called in sick of me
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.